They want you to let them down; your grandparents, your parents, your classmates. Those are the ones that you thought if you lost all that weight, then they’d be proud of you. Maxie, they’re already proud of you and love you for being the kindest and most loving little girl in the world. I know it’s taking all of your strength to not give up and continue to listen to the voice of your eating disorder.
You hate your reflection and that all these doctors and nurses are forcing you to eat. You don’t understand it and can’t even begin to look at this situation from a positive perspective without hearing the voices of your grandparents lingering in the back of your mind every moment of the day. I’m so sorry that they let you down; that mom and dad didn’t stand up for you and say that those words weren’t true. I’m here to tell you sweetheart, that you don’t need to be worrying about how small your jean size is or how much the number on the scale says when it stares back at you as you nervously await its reading.
You are and will forever be perfectly imperfect and beautiful just the way you are no matter what your outside appearance looks like. Those cruel words they said calling you fat and demanding you to lose weight were all lies. They made you believe a vision of yourself that isn’t true. I’m so sorry for all the pain that they’ve caused you. I know you’re hurting right now. I promise, it’s going to be okay.
You don’t need to starve yourself to feel accepted into this world. You don’t need to deprive yourself of social outings with friends just because you’re so afraid they’re going to offer you something to eat. Go out and have fun every time you get the opportunity to. You deserve it.
You are so smart Maxie and so loving; this world is lucky to have you in it. Please don’t allow the voice of this disorder continue to allow you to think any differently. With your infectious spirit and personality, you touch the lives of every single person that you meet. Your smile, it lights up the room. Please remember this the next time you want to skip your breakfast or your afternoon snack.
You are so worthy of living a full life outside of this darkness called Anorexia and I need you to believe this. Your Grandpa Bob needs you to believe this. He thinks you’re brilliant and that you deserve to be the happiest girl in the entire world. Although he will leave your life too soon, he will be here long enough to make you a stronger person and help you fight those ED thoughts. Through his infinite presence in your life, you will keep fighting for the life you so desperately want for yourself and he will forever be proud of you.
The future is going to be so bright for you, beautiful girl. You’re going to meet an amazing man that’s going to love you unconditionally for a period of time in your high school years. He’s going to help you stop self-harming every day and eat delicious food without guilt afterwards. You are worthy of that kind of love.
Soon, you’re going to have so much energy that you’ll be able to run outside and go to the gym and lift heavy weights without any difficulty because you’ll be feeding your body the nutrition it needs. You’ll get to a point where you’ll run and exercise, not out of self-hatred, but out of self-love. You will care so much for yourself and the life you live more than anyone, including yourself ever has before.
You don’t need to harm your left arm anymore. There is nothing wrong with you, sweet girl. There is no need to punish yourself for being strong and consuming that mint chocolate chip ice cream or Reeses candy bar you deprived yourself of for so long. You deserve every bite and I hope you enjoy more of those.
Please listen to your therapist and let those wounds heal. I know you’re hurting right now. I promise, it’s going to be okay. Those scars will be reminders of every battle you fought and won; and every battle you’ll continue to fight and win for years to come. Although there will be more challenges awaiting you in the future, the victories that come with surviving this disorder will make it all worth it. I believe in you, beautiful girl.
You can silence the voices of your grandparents that remain a constant in your head and create new ones. Ones that describe the real Maxie. The Maxie that is worthy of love, kindness, and care to herself. I just want to let you know, that even at the young age of 11 years old, you are strong beyond measure and have the will to keep going. A life of joy, body positivity, and acceptance of yourself awaits you on the other side where full recovery lives on and I’ll be right here rooting for you once you get there.
I’ll love you always and forever,
Maxie